Setting Up & Conducting a Scene

Preparation

Set up the Play Space

• Gather the gear, toys, and materials needed for the scene itself.
• Inspect the things you plan to use. Ensure they are in good condition and are clean.
• Gather safer sex supplies, if applicable.
• Be sure appropriate emergency gear, materials, or medication is within reach.
• Confirm that your phone has plenty of battery and a good signal and that you know the emergency services number for that area.
• Set up appropriate cleanup materials so that this is easy to manage when you are done.
• Set up a space and gather the items needed for aftercare. Doing this now makes for a smooth transition after the scene.

Check in Just Before the Scene

We are all human. Check in with yourself and with your partner(s) immediately before the scene.

• Do you really want to do this scene at this time?
• Do they? Make sure. Confirm.
• Don’t rely on negotiations held days, or even hours, earlier.
• Make it clear that you respect them and their needs more than any plans you made.\

Physical Preparation

Have everyone take care of their physical needs before the scene:

• Hydrate.
• Eat normally – have something about an hour before.
• Use the restroom!
• Check in with yourself to confirm you are in the right headspace to scene.

If the scene is to have a D/s component, it can be helpful to give instructions to your partner beforehand, telling them how you want them to prepare.

Consider wearing clothes that enhance the feeling of the roles you both intend to play. Perhaps the submissive should be naked, perhaps in slutty or revealing clothing, perhaps in a corsets and heels, or a collar and harness.

This can apply to the Dominant as well. Perhaps you want a classic Fem-Dom look, or a tough look with heavy leather and big boots, or an urbane sophisticate whose suit hides all sorts of kinky secrets. Wear whatever will make you feel how you want to feel.

Mental Preparation

It can be helpful to have a preparation ritual to get both of you in the right headspace. Perhaps some outfit, clothes, uniform or maybe you do it at a particular time, maybe you take a bath, read your favorite BDSM book, polish your floggers, watch some inspiring porn, take a look at the this site and the tie you plan, whatever it is that puts you in the right mood.

During the Scene

You made a plan; generally try to follow that plan. But be flexible enough to flow with your partner’s and your own internal reactions. Keep strong communication. Check in on how they are doing from time to time. Remind them to do the sensory and motor checks we discussed in Nerves & Circulation. Remember that most communication is nonverbal. Look for their signals and use them to guide you to be lighter or heavier, more gentle or stronger, etc. Verbally verify if you have any questions.

Critical: Don’t add anything you had not discussed before the scene.

You can change the plan to make things lighter or to remove a planned element, but never add anything that was not discussed and agreed to before the scene.

People can enter an altered state of mind when in a scene. They are loving what they are feeling so much they would agree to anything. But agreement in such a state is not real consent. If they did not agree to it before the scene, do not do it during, even if they beg you to. It will take strength, but they will respect that strength the day after when they realize you protected them from themselves.

Afterward, at a different time when you are negotiating for a different scene, you can ask them if they want to put those things on the table. Maybe they will trust you enough to try more things with you after they’ve seen you keep your word and know that you will put their safety first.

If Something goes Wrong

Unintentionally having things go awry is not inherently bad. It doesn’t mean that anyone is a bad person or was careless. What matters is what you do if and when it happens.

Respond quickly and calmly. Stay in control. Do what you said you would do when planning. If needed, gracefully end the scene. Release any elements of bondage and begin caring for whoever needs help. What they will need will be different in each case; use common sense and your preparation to help guide your care.

Demonstrate that you can be relied upon when things go wrong.