Consent

Consent Must be Authentic, Informed, and Explicit

There are many definitions and models of consent out there, but this is the one we prefer:

Affirmative Consent: “An informed, authentic and explicit agreement, freely given between two legal adults in a non-altered state of mind to allow a specific set of activities to happen during a specific time frame.”

Every word in that definition is important:

• Informed – You must know what you are agreeing to and the possible risks and implications you are exposing yourself to. Education and understanding are critical to consent. If you don’t understand the potential risks and implications of an activity, how can you authentically state that you accept those risks? Top or Bottom, you need to understand everything in the safety section (p.###), because without that understanding, informed consent is not possible.
  Without knowledge, you are not informed.
• Authentic – Actively interested and willing to participate in the activities proposed. To be authentic, agreement must be informed and freely given. Some people like to use the phrase “enthusiastic consent”, because when someone is truly into something, that often comes across as enthusiasm, but we like the term “authentic” better because not everyone displays enthusiasm, even under conditions of great excitement. And it is pretty common for a sub to be anything but enthusiastic if they are on their way to a punishment they know they have earned.
• Explicit – All people involved, having clear understanding of all the activities being proposed — everything on or off the table — all clearly state that they agree to take part in those activities. No assumptions. No implications. No innuendos.
• Freely given – Consent is only valid if it is freely given, with no coercion; be it physical, emotional, social, psychological, or chemical (drugs or alcohol).
• Legal adult – Any person who is not a legal adult in the jurisdiction in which an activity is taking place cannot legally consent to any sexual activity or activity related to sex.
• Non-altered state of mind – A person under the influence of any mind-altering influence or substance cannot consent to anything, even if they agree to it. A person who is asleep cannot consent.
• Specific set of activities – If someone consents to a chest harness scene, that is not consenting to a waist harness and certainly not to being groped or penetrated in any way. Consent to one type of sexual contact doesn’t mean consent has been given for any other type of sexual contact. Don’t include any activity that you did not specifically and clearly include in the negotiation before the scene.
• During a specific time frame – Just because someone consented to something yesterday does not mean you get to do that same thing again today, or ever.

If you have never seen the “Tea and Consent” video, treat yourself! ConsentIsEverything.com

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has much more on this.

Common Consent Models

There are several consent models out there. In the kink world, the two most popular are SSC and RACK.

SSC – Safe, Sane, Consensual

This was used for years, but it has a few issues: Who defines safe? Who defines sane?

RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink

This one recognizes that many things we do involve risk and that a critic could easily label them as “unsafe” or “not sane.”

This model places more responsibility on the individuals involved. You are entering into a situation in which you are aware of the potential risks and accept that what you are choosing to do may not necessarily be “safe” to some people.

This consent model is built upon the awareness and knowledge of all parties involved. Under RACK, one cannot ethically consent without knowing and understanding the risks involved in what they are doing. This is especially important in the context of rope, as Rope Bottoming can be quite dangerous, especially if a Bottom does not know the signs and symptoms that could indicate a problem that could lead to injury.

Silence Does Not Mean Consent!

There is a phrase sometimes used in the corporate world: “Qui tacet consentire videtur.” It is part of a larger phrase that translates as “He who is silent, when he ought to have spoken and was able to, is taken to agree.” Project managers feel clever in throwing that quote around as a way to try to drive conversation and agreement. Sort of like “speak now or forever hold your peace.”

To be very clear: That does NOT apply to any activity related to sex or physical restraint in any way.

Silence, or simply the lack of a “yes,” should ALWAYS be taken as a “no.”

Implied consent is when a person’s actions are taken to indicate their consent. This is risky and more likely to result in consent violations than explicit consent, though it does have its place.

For example, if you choose to walk into a cupcake shop, you are implying that you consent to seeing cupcakes on display. You are also implying that you consent to seeing cupcakes being made, sold, and even eaten by other customers in the shop. If you were to see someone messily eating a cupcake in a way that made you feel uncomfortable, you would be well within your rights to leave the cupcake shop to avoid seeing such things. However, your consent was not violated because you implied that you were okay with seeing cupcakes, and the activities that are associated with them, by choosing to walk into the cupcake shop. If you were to walk into the cupcake shop and see two people engaging in a sexual act in the back corner, your implied consent would be violated. Walking into a cupcake shop does not imply that you are interested in watching someone pierce a cupcake with their penis, because that kind of activity is not usually expected in a bakery.

When going to a kink event or party it is expected that the event will have published rules about what is and is not permitted at that event or venue, AND for all attendees to have read and to abide by those rules. Therefore, by choosing to attend that event, you are implicitly consenting to possibly seeing any activity permitted by the rules.

This does NOT mean that by attending an event in such a space you are implicitly consenting to engage in any of those activities yourself. When it comes to any person’s bodily autonomy, rely on explicit consent, not implicit. No person at that event should attempt to do anything with or to you without your explicit, authentic consent. Nor can you do anything with or to another person at that event without first getting their explicit consent. Just ask.

“Yes” means yes, “no” means no, “maybe” means no!

“Yes” means yes.

• Even better is: “Hell, yes!” We love authentic, enthusiastic, eager consent!
• Do not say “yes” if you are not sure. Tell them you aren’t sure, then invite them to keep talking if you are open to considering a proposed activity.

“No” means no!

• ONE exception: If people have explicitly agreed to change that word for purposes of a specific scene. For example, someone wants to have a more primal scene and they negotiate to be able to scream “No! Stop it, you monster!”, etc. In a case like that, they
  explicitly agree to replace “no” with a safe word/gesture/action instead, so they can use “no,” “stop,” etc., freely in the scene. But the meaning of the word “no” is only altered during the
  specific time frame that is outlined in negotiations. During a negotiation, “no” always means no.
• Accept a “no” gracefully. Don’t badger them or make them defend their answer. That is a slippery slope to coercion.
  • “Totally fine. Is there something you would be interested in trying?”
  • “I appreciate you considering it. I hope you have a great evening (or party)!”

“Maybe” also means no!

• With a “maybe”, they may be leaving the door open to be asked again some other time, but they might just be trying to not be rude by shutting you down entirely. We try to help people gain the confidence to just say what they really mean, but not everyone is comfortable with that.
• If you get a “maybe” try saying this: “I am going to take that as a ‘no’ for tonight. I am still interested though, so feel free to reach out if you change your mind. Would you mind if I asked you again some other time, or would you prefer I not?”
• This gives them the comfort of seeing you take their answer gracefully, which may make them feel better about the whole idea. But it also gives them a graceful way to change that “maybe” to a “no” smoothly in a way that is safer, emotionally speaking. If they ask you to not ask them later, they really meant “no” all along. Thank them for their honesty and move along.

Verify everything.

• My definition for a word may not be the same as yours.
• Get used to asking for clarification. Make sure you understand.
  • “What does that mean to you?”
  • “Can you say more about that?”
  • “Can you give me an example?”

In a power exchange context (D/s, M/s) it can be hard for a sub or slave to say “no” when they want to please their Top/Dom/Master/Mistress. Be aware of this potential issue if you are in a power exchange dynamic; talk about it with your partner beforehand. Command them to tell you if they sense an issue that could result in injury, physical or otherwise. Reassure them that telling you is the right thing and is required. Make it clear that you care more about them than you do about one little scene.

If a person has difficulty saying “no,” it can be helpful to set up words or signals that feel easier or safer to say. More on this in Safe Words/Gestures/Actions.

Consent may be withdrawn at any time before or during an activity.
If consent is withdrawn, all activity must stop immediately.

Consent may not be withdrawn after the activity has ended.

If you are not comfortable with something and you make that clear, a responsible, ethical player will stop immediately. But you cannot revoke consent after something has already happened that you had given consent to.  You may feel regret, but that is not the same thing as you having your consent violated.

Consent may be withdrawn at any time before or during an activity.
If consent is withdrawn, all activity must stop immediately.

Consent may not be withdrawn after the activity has ended.

Consent Violation:

• Something is done to you that you did not explicitly and authentically agree to doing.
• You said to stop doing something that you had previously consented to and your statement was ignored.
• An activity that you previously consented to is done at a time when you did not consent to it.
• Someone does something with you that you had consented to doing with a person other than them.

Not a Consent Violation:

• If you explicitly and authentically consent to a specific thing, that thing is done to/with you and you feel badly afterwards, your consent was not violated. It may be that you regret your decision. You learned something new about yourself and it is your responsibility to move forward with that knowledge.
• There are also some things that cannot be controlled, even by the most conscientious Tops. If, for example, a Rope Bottom requests that no rope marks be left behind after a rope scene, a Rope Top may not be able to prevent that from happening entirely. This is why RACK is a useful consent model to follow. Clarifying that risks can be mitigated, but not completely prevented when engaging in these activities, is a critical part of the negotiation process. In this case, if the Bottom were to consent to a rope scene knowing that rope marks were a risk, their consent would not be violated if they walked away with a few marks despite the Top’s best efforts.

Consent Covers Actions Taken, Not Outcomes

It is important to understand that consent covers actions that are taken, not the outcomes. A person can control their actions, they cannot always control the outcome. Sometimes negative things happen despite everyone’s best intentions and efforts.

An example:

During your negotiations for your first spanking scene, you tell your Top that you don’t want to get bruised. Your Top states that they understand and will take it step by step so you can feel each level and give them feedback. They start light and you love it. You ask them to go a little heavier and they do. You love that. They ask if you want to feel a slightly heavier impact, and you do. Your Top tells you that they could go much harder, but that they are going to stop here because this is your first time and they want to keep things relatively light until you both learn how your body reacts. You have a warm, satisfied feeling. The next morning you look at yourself in the mirror and see a few light bruises. You are surprised; you didn’t think that you had been hit hard enough to bruise. You said you did not want to be bruised, but you were.

Unless there are other circumstances involved, this would not normally be considered a consent violation. Everyone was doing their best, communication was good, but there was an unfortunate outcome. Both you and the Top can learn from it that your skin is more sensitive to bruising than average and you can take that knowledge with you into future planning.

Check in with yourself. Try to understand what kind of an effect the consent violation may have had on you. Consent violations do not always affect the person who was violated in a negative way. Sometimes they can present an opportunity for growth and self-reflection. Other times they can wreak havoc on an individual’s well-being. Whatever they happen to be, your feelings are valid. You have the right to express them and be heard.

As general guidelines based on the ” Categories of Consent Violations” above:

#1-3 – Innocent, Accidental or Misunderstanding – Stop everything and talk. Be specific about what happened, how you felt, what you had consented to, and what you had not. Depending on how you feel, you can either address the violator directly or you may want to speak to somebody more removed from the situation like a friend or, if you met in a group setting, the moderator of the group. It may also be helpful to write down your immediate thoughts and feelings after the fact.

Sometimes all this requires is a conversation, but sometimes more. Perhaps some education on the topic in question is warranted, perhaps some closer monitoring by the monitors of the venue or event for a while until it is clear that this is a one-time issue and unlikely to recur.

#4 – Neglect – This is more serious and indicates a lack of education or due care. A violation of this nature certainly warrants education and closer monitoring for a time. Perhaps more in specific cases or if there are repeated violations.

#5 – Ignoring – This is very serious and, depending on the details, may become criminal activity. If the Ignoring was a safety issue only, education and monitoring is certainly warranted. Some groups might consider expelling a person who does this, especially if they receive more than one report about a particular person. If it crossed the line into criminal activity, see #6-7 below.

#6-7 – Sexual Assault or Rape – These are serious crimes and should be treated as such. You have the full set of options to report this to law enforcement and, if you met the person through a local group, to report it to the moderators of that group. Do not worry about outing the person who criminally violated your consent. If you would like to take legal action against them, you are well within your rights to do so. If you would prefer not to pursue legal action, that is also okay. The highest priority in this situation should be your safety and well-being.

If this happens, how you respond will demonstrate your character. People will be watching and they will make their decisions about you based on your actions and reactions.

Listen

Regardless of how you feel, take the time to listen to what the person being violated has to say. Do not interrupt or attempt to correct them. This is a chance to learn about the person who is talking to you. They are demonstrating a lot of courage, agency, and self-advocacy by choosing to bring this up with you. Respect that by giving them the floor and listening intently to what they have to say.

Seek to Understand Before Responding

Demonstrate your respect and concern for them by listening carefully and attempt to understand where they are coming from. If you need some time to think before responding, ask for it. The way in which you respond to this situation will demonstrate the content of your character.

Own it

If you did, in fact, violate this person’s consent, own it. Accept that you made a mistake. Understand that you may feel bad about the situation for a while and make peace with that. Sometimes we have to feel those negative feelings in order to grow into better versions of ourselves.

Seek to Repair the Relationship, if Possible

Ask about what you need to do to help address the situation. Tell them what you will do to make sure the issue does not recur. Tell them that you will be doing this regardless of whether they choose to play with you again or not and ask if there is something you can do to help them feel better.

Seek Education

If the person would still like to interact with you, seek to learn from their experience. What was it that went wrong, and how might you have prevented the situation you are in now? Were there questions you could have asked? Assumptions you could have refrained from making? Take some time to reflect on your past experiences and look for patterns. Has this kind of violation happened before?

Remember, consent is a highly nuanced and ongoing conversation. Do your best to communicate honestly and authentically, respect your boundaries and those of the people around you, ask questions when you aren’t sure, and treat everyone — them and yourself — with kindness and grace.