Talking about yourself – your body and your mind, your fantasies and desires – is a very vulnerable thing to do; many people are not comfortable doing so. How you talk and the things you say is crucial in helping your partner see you as a person they can trust. This is true of both Tops and bottoms. They may be self-conscious. They may be nervous. They may fear being judged. These are all normal reactions. Help them feel accepted.

If you are a Top, your partner needs to see you as someone authentically seeking to really understand how they feel and what they need. Only by understanding a person’s specific needs will you be able to plan an interaction or scene that will be fulfilling for them and for you. Only through open conversation can you understand when one of your ideas may not work, adapt your plan and thereby avoid the awkwardness of running into an avoidable issue mid-scene. Otherwise you might trip over something unexpected and, if that issue is something your partner is self-conscious about, it can impact how they feel, potentially disrupting the whole encounter.

Some of my favorite phrases when beginning conversations like this are:

• “My plans for you are not as important to me as your mental and physical well-being.”
• “Given what we are talking about, is there anything about you that I need to know; anything that might make things go a way I might not expect or cause you to have a reaction that I might not anticipate?”

If you are a bottom, your partner needs to see you are being open and honest, someone that is willing to tell them the important things that may be relevant, even if you are uncomfortable, so that they are able to properly plan. Part of being a “safe bottom” is that you can be trusted to share such information. If you do not feel comfortable talking about relevant considerations with a potential rope Top for any reason, reconsider tying with them.