DBRT 001: Why do I want to do this?

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but the world feels like it’s falling apart. And I’m not really sure what to do about that. In the past, when the sky was falling around me, I would numb myself. I would lie on the couch or floor, scrolling on my phone for hours. Endless engaging and attention grabbing content would pass by. I couldn’t tell you what I saw. None of it really mattered. None of it actually stuck. Not the most healthy way of coping, but it’s the truth

I would think about how I must look, what a movie about my life would look like. Comatose protagonists usually don’t make for a good viewing experience. Self-loathing turned numb self-destruction and apathy isn’t very entertaining to watch. 

There are worse ways to numb yourself I suppose. Alcohol is the first one to come to mind. Maybe excessive spending, though that’s more about temporary relief than numbness. Most forms of coping that are considered maladaptive result in long term negative effects in some way. Alcohol can drain your bank account and destroy your physical health. Excessive spending can destroy your financial health and ability to make choices about how you want to live your life. As for me, I was eroding my sense of self and marooning myself on a lonely island. No one can connect with you when you don’t even want to connect to yourself. 

But I don’t want to do that this time. No one is *making* me feel this way. *I’m* the one making myself feel like shit. And *I* can change that. So, I am.

How I’m changing:

Over the past year or so I’ve been gradually taking on more responsibilities with TheDuchy (tech support, assisting with article and tutorial creation, teaching). I met Lazarus about three years ago and began working as His demo model at rope classes. He taught me the basics and I practiced them until I got to a point where I felt I could help correct and teach people at our live rope classes. As we’ve begun our book tour around the USA, I’ve felt a push to increase my confidence in this area. I am absolutely capable of teaching at least the Foundations class entirely on my own, and I do have decent rope handling skills, but my confidence is lacking. Even though I *know* I know the material and can provide help to others, I talk myself down and stop before I even allow myself to try. I can overcome this sometimes, but I feel I need to be doing more in my time outside of class to improve.

I want to contribute more, and actually believe that I have something valuable to add. I want to feel more in control of my life.

I want to make art with my ropes. I want to have ownership over something in my life, and this feels valuable in my circle of friends and the world I work in. I want to be capable of beautiful things and form connections with beautiful people. I am always so struck by the beauty and transformative nature of rope bondage, especially as a vehicle for greater personal growth. I want to be able to introduce people to that. I dream of tying up my friends who put themselves down. To show them how *I* want them to be. Standing tall and proud of who they are, not artificially stifling their beauty with insecurity or fear. I suppose that’s what I want for myself as well. We’ll see how this goes.

This writing is part of a series called “Diary of a Baby Rope Top” by Kajira Blue, the rest of which can be found at TheDuchy.com/blogs.

Cutting room floor:

• When I reflect on the moments in my life when I have actually felt content/fulfilled/connected/secure, it has been because of the connection I have made with another person.
• My rope Topping journey is something I can create and acquire with effort and time. It’s a valuable skill I can offer others.
• My apprenticeship with TheDuchy and desire to contribute more, be a better teacher, create meaningful experiences for others, prove myself, be a young woman rigger (as I feel that is valuable)
• Having control and purpose in my own life. This is something I can create and acquire with effort and time, and is a valuable skill I can offer to others
• Desire to even the playing field with Lazarus a bit. He is far more experienced and knowledgeable than I am in this area, though I have been helping out a bit.