DBRT 002: Picking out *my* ropes

A little less than a year ago I cut a set of ropes from a spool of linen hemp Master had lying around. I figured I’d start with hemp as that’s what I’m used to teaching with, and it has enough tooth to stay put without doubling up knots. Around that time, a very talented and kind rope Top tried to teach me how to seal the ends of my ropes with a Matthew Walker knot, but I could not get the tensions right. The strands toward the end of my ropes were too loose compared to hers. I wanted to use a secure and pretty knot for my first set of ropes, but I’m not quite good enough for that, not yet at least.

Fast forward to now, those ropes have been sitting in a pile in the back of my closet for months. Sitting there, waiting while I struggled through an intense personal life transition, fought with myself for being human and imperfect. I won’t pretend that I’ve had any sort of clear idea about where my life is going to take me, or even what my life will look like in a month. Sometimes it feels like everything is crashing and burning around me. Like the decisions of a small number of callous and deeply misguided influential people are destroying the beautiful life and future I was hoping would come one day. Maybe this is just what it feels like to grow up and learn how the world actually works. Maybe this is just the way things have always been. I don’t want to believe this is how things always will be. And while I will continue to buy my vintage bondage porn, attend events where I see the most beautiful expressions of gender, sexuality, and humanity, and support kinky causes I believe in, I can’t shake the fear that everything I love so much will disappear one day.

This isn’t the most uplifting mental rabbit hole, but it is a well trod one in my brain.

I can’t control what other people do or think or say. Sometimes I feel like I can’t even control what happens in my own mind. But I *can* control what I do. And I want to protect and care for the kinky, sexy, foolishness that makes me feel so human and so connected to other humans all across this world. I will continue to financially contribute to the kinky artists who inspire me, I will continue to teach and uplift new rope-y people, and I will cultivate my own kinky life. I will make space in my life for *me*. All of me. And that means starting on this scary journey again. It’s scary because it means being vulnerable, asking people to lend me their bodies and time and trust. It’s scary because it means not being good at something right away and continuing to battle the discomfort of being a novice. It’s scary because it means pushing myself to confront the voice in my head whispering “imposter” and “worthless” and “no one would ever want to tie with you”.

But I’m not going to let the scariness of trying again stop me. Not this time.

This writing is part of a series called “Diary of a Baby Rope Top” by Kajira Blue, the rest of which can be found at TheDuchy.com/blogs.