DBRT 005: The trouble with rope bottoms…

They all have lives and schedules that are different from mine! Ugh, I can understand why people give up rope when they break up with a romantic partner. It’s much easier to fit rope practice into your schedule when your bottom lives with you or is a regular part of your weekly routine. Though it still makes me sad when I see a breakup listed as a reason for cancelling a membership in the support email. Breakups suck and can rob you of so much, but…well, I’d at least like rope to be a part of *my* life, not exclusively a life I share with someone else. That’s a little easier said than done, at least up to this point. I haven’t carved out a sense of self in the rope world yet. I don’t *really* know who I am, when it comes to rope. I know who I would like to be, in some ways. Well, I know who I compare myself to. Which isn’t actually the same thing, is it?

I want to be the most acrobatic, sexy, athletic rope bottom ever! And I want to be a super awesome and intense rope top who knows every tie and never does anything awkward or makes a mistake! But, again, that doesn’t actually have anything to do with *me*. Who I *actually* am.

Sometimes I feel like none of the thoughts actually make sense when I try to assign words to them. No thoughts, just vibes up here.

I want to create an identity for myself. Not something so tied up in another person that it is destroyed if that relationship ends. This is about more than just sexual gratification or looking cool. This is about me. Who I am. What I need to make room for myself in my life. No more being eclipsed by other people. I want control. I want meaning. I want to exist as a full self. Not half of a whole.

So, what do I actually want to be as far as a rope top goes? Well, I want to be confident in how I move rope. Good ropecraft, as they say. And I want to move with purpose.

Qualities that I appreciate in a rope top in no particular order:

• Confident movement of the rope and the bottom’s body
• Intentional physical contact with the bottom. They know where they want the bottom to go and move them there in an efficient and thoughtful way.
• Connection, they are getting something out of the exchange. I met a rope top when Master and I were in Tokyo last year who described an incredible philosophy when it comes to rope suspensions. He said he found suspension to be an interruption in the connection with the bottom until he modified the way he did it. If I remember correctly, he didn’t tie off his upline after lifting the bottom partway into the air. At dinner the night before, he described it as if he were holding their hand as they hung over the edge of a cliff. A grip on the edge of life and death. A continuation of the physical strain and suffering of the bottom into the body of the Top. It was remarkable to behold. A fly could have made a happy home in my mouth while I was watching him tie.
• Luxuriating in the time spent once the tie is complete . Sometimes people move faster than they need to. I’ve heard burlesque performers give the advice that a striptease is far more titillating and engaging when it is slowed down a touch. As a rope bottom, I would tend to agree. I like to settle into a tie before things change too much. Sometimes it takes a few minutes before my mind can get out of my way enough to actually enjoy the suffering or restriction. Though I can absolutely see myself worrying that my scene is getting boring to either the bottom or spectators if I’m not constantly flinging rope through the air.

I’m sure there are others, but that’s all that I can come up with for now.

This writing is part of a series called “Diary of a Baby Rope Top” by Kajira Blue, the rest of which can be found at TheDuchy.com/blogs.